Demisexuality in the LGBTQ community
Demisexuality has been invisible in the LGBTQ+ community, dismissed by many as just a way of living life rather than a sexuality. As a demisexual myself, I’m here to share why that isn’t true.
Let’s start off with the basics. What is Demisexuality? By definition, Demisexuality has been defined as a sexuality in which the person doesn’t experience sexual attraction until a deep bond is formed. This is what throws people off, because they think “Wait, that just means that a Demisexual doesn’t have sex until they have a bond with someone, a lot of people do that.” But this isn’t the case.
Demisexual people do not feel primary attraction, the attraction you have for someone when you first meet them. That “love at first sight” feeling that others feel, we demis do not. We only experience secondary attraction, which is attraction after having formed an emotional bond.
Another controversy about Demisexuals is their role on the asexual umbrella spectrum. On one end, you have normal people. Those who experience primary and secondary attraction, romantic and sexual. On the far end, you have asexuals, who don’t experience any sexual attraction, but may experience romantic attraction. Demisexuals have been said to be in the middle, because while they will develop sexual feelings, it’s a feeling that takes a long period of time and a great connection to develop.
The biggest myth is that Demisexuals label themselves as such just because they are afraid to have sex. But that’s not true. Sure, some of us might be, but that’s not why we’re demisexual. We’re demisexual because of how our romantic and sexual attractions develop differently than the rest of the world. Demis have to be friends with someone first, before romantic attraction will start. This causes many demis to think that they are in love with their friends, because they have yet to be able to feel the difference between friendship love and romantic love. But once they establish this, they are able to pick out which is which, and choose which relationships to try and progress romantically that may turn into sexual attraction. So not all of us are afraid or disgusted by sex. It’s not an excuse to keep away from sex, nor is it something made up to attract attention to ourselves.
Demisexuals normally feel isolated in their friend groups and household because of their difference. You may think that sexual attraction is such a small thing, and wouldn’t be a big deal in their daily life, but you have to stop and think about when this might occur. A guy you know and might like wants to hook up, how do you explain to him that while you’re interested in him, you just don’t have the sexual attraction for him at that time without scaring him away? Or take, for example, just a casual girl/guy-talk conversation about hot celebrities. You don’t have attraction for any celebrities, because you have no relationship established to base your attraction off. Most demisexuals are even turned off by porn or smut novels, because even though the characters are fictional or random people, it doesn’t make you feel any of those same hormonal, sexual feelings that others feel while watching or reading.
If this wasn’t enough convincing for you, let’s take a look at actual LGBT studies, real fact. I’d like to look at Langston Park’s purple-red scale of sexuality. To avoid copyright, we’re just going to have to visualize it. Envision a square grid, ranging from A to F6. The entire bottom row is A, which is aromantic sexuality, not experiencing romantic or sexual relationships at all. The second row from the bottom is B sub zero to B sub 6. Sub zero means exclusively the same opposite sex, and sub 6 means exclusively the same sex, and then all the numbers in between would be bisexuals and which side they lean towards. C sub zero to C sub 6, row 3, is tertiary sexuality, which would be asexuals who don’t experience sexual attraction, but would have sex for reasons such as to please a partner or procreation. And then we get to, you guessed it, D sub zero to D sub six, which is reads “may develop lustful feelings over the course of a relationship, but not at first.” And this is what we’re looking at with Demisexuality. It’s a valid sexuality explained through Langston’s accepted sexuality model.
My biggest hope is that by talking about topics like this, that we can all open up and be honest about topics that are getting a bad name. Everyone in the demisexuality community deserves to feel like they are a valid part of the LGBTQ community, so I hope that this post will shed light on a well-ignored sexuality.
